Is it all worth it?

Many many mums including myself wonder sometimes will all this be worth it?

The bad days for me are sometimes my darkest days, I have some temper issues that relate back to my childhood, but none of this I would dare take out on my child. My level of restraint has been double if not tripled, I have learnt to control my anger and to release it other ways e.g. painting, reading, going for a walk and even writing this blog. 

In my life I have had many ups and downs, all leading from bad friendships and relationships, I know this is why I have a rage inside of me that is ready to burst free at many given moments, but my son is keeping me controlled as my mind has learnt to release what is making me angry or frustrated and to put it away for later. But never too much later or I find myself letting it go on other people, my poor husband most of the time. 

But my little ray of light is always my son and my future family should I have any other children. I know that I need to be the best mother I can be and not to set the bar too high or I will end up failing and losing control or even myself along the way. 

Those big steel grey eyes that peer out of the pram/cot are all my mind needs to keep me sane, those little eyes that look at me with all the love in the world, that depend on me for everything, are all it takes to make me remember all the heartache, screaming sessions, tears and puke covered days are all worth it to see this little baby grow up to be a gentleman and to start his own family. 

I never thought I would be this lucky. 

Routines.....are they worth it?

For me personally its ROUTINE ROUTINE ROUTINE. 

I would be a raving crying lunatic if we hadn't implemented a routine at a month old, when we found out his natural routine. 

Bed time routine we found is key to everything, even if it alters on bath days or when there are extenuating circumstances that change it. 

However we did do a lot of trial and error with his routine to see what fit us and him. There is always going to be something that could be improved, remember that we are all only human. These perfect mothers that you find online be it in Facebook groups, Twitter, or Baby forums online, you will always find yourself comparing everything you do to what you see as a perfect mother and beat yourself up mentally about it. 

NEVER think you are a rubbish mother as that baby loves you with all their being. 

I have had a few days where I have felt so low I wanted to walk away, but just looking into my little guys eyes and seeing the love that is there with no judgement changes my mind immediately.

Baby Language?

It's okay not to understand them. 

Slowly we learnt his cry to feed him, change his nappy, give him attention and to try to get him to sleep. 

Babies do not come with a manual, there is no instructions and defiantly no training can prepare you for a baby, even if you have one, two or maybe three others, they are all different and work by their own rules. But you do learn, even if the resolution is to let them cry it out, sometimes they just need to. 

There has been days when he just cries for what seems to be no reason, however most of the time with my boy it is over tiredness. Since he was born he hated going to sleep, he fights it with every fiber of his being, maybe it's his survival instinct or just he doesn't want to, we will never know. 

BABIES ARE SELFISH, this is a key piece on information my HV gave to me, there is no bargaining or compromise, you must mold yourself around your baby. They do not understand that you are tired, stressed, hungry or even just in a bad mood for some reason. They only understand what they want, which can not be blamed on them. Even if sometimes you know they are crying for no reason e.g. they have just been changed, fed and cuddled into a sleepy haze, but they just cry and cry (my son is doing this as a type) but you slowly learn what that cry is, for example mine is over tired right now and wont sleep, so he is being rocked in his bouncer (his favourite chair). 

I have learnt over the three months he has been alive, that if I get stressed I need to take a couple minutes to myself, as babies know what buttons to press and when to make your blood boil if you are having a particular bad day for other reasons, but when they smile and giggle at you all is forgiven.

That first look of love.

After all of that work to give birth, be it naturally, assisted or c-section, all mothers are given their child and are supposed to have that overwhelming feeling of love right?

For me it was that perfect look of love in those deep blue eyes on my gorgeous blonde boy, I couldn't be happier or feel more complete. This was the little wriggler that had been in my womb for 9 months growing, being nourished and kept safe by my body. 

However this is not the case for some mothers, some don't have that feeling of love, some have and overwhelming sense of pressure to be the perfect mother, a feeling of sinking as you have never done this before, it is a new adventure and that is scary. But that is okay too.

In the hospital / midwife unit you have professional help on hand if needed, just at the press of a button, but there is no button at home. 

That first night we took our bundle home, I was sleep deprived for 24 hours (due to having regular check ups on myself for pre-eclampsia, and my son due to the cord being wrapped around his neck), I was lucky I had my mother and father there ready to take over so my husband and I could get some sleep. 

the second night however is a totally different story, on our own with a screaming baby and not knowing what he wants. So we tried feeding him, changing him, cuddling him...nothing worked. He just screamed and screamed until he gave in and slept. Tired, stressed, angry at one another, we fell asleep too. But this was only the beginning...